Monday 30 March 2015

Come on, peeps, give us a clue

Many years ago, my esteemed father tried to encourage me get a job as a management trainee with Ford Motor Company.
I was 17, at a respected grammar school but not expected to do terribly well in my A’ levels the following year - and determined to become a reporter with my local paper.
Why he thought I should join Ford I’ll never know – maybe he saw it as a land of opportunity and something suitable for my abilities. He’d done OK with the company and perhaps thought we (Ford and me) were a good match.
Using his considerable powers of persuasion, he got me an interview at the plant he worked at in north London.
It didn’t go well. Actually, it was worse than that, with me falling at the first hurdle.
“So, Michael” said my interviewer, opening proceedings with a seemingly easy question, “why do you want to join Ford Motor Company?”
“I don’t – I want to be a journalist.” End of interview. Luckily my father has a terrific sense of humour and eventually forgave me.
The reason I bring Ford into the conversation is that he once told me that Ford, and undoubtedly most other car manufacturers in those days (post-Model T, I hasten to add) were keen to shave savings off production costs wherever possible.
For instance, use three screws to hold the cluster in place rather than four – that’s one less screw per car, multiplied by the 10 million cars they made a year multiplied by a unit cost of £0.001 per screw equals large gins all round at the office Christmas party.
Nothing seems to have changed much in the past 40-plus years.
It seems most cars nowadays don’t include indicators. You know, those funny little orange lights that used to give other motorists a fighting chance to guess which way you are intending to navigate the roundabout. Must be saving a fortune. Come on people, give the rest of us a clue.
Superb handling, smooth gear change, sticky suspension.
PS – au revoir, Jeremy Clarkson. Not a great surprise there but good to see him back in the saddle (right) the day after his contract was not renewed.
"OK, Hammond. Let’s get our snorkels on and see if we can do a length of the local swimming pool on these damn contraptions. Loser buys the steak.”

Wednesday 25 March 2015

You never know what’s round the corner

You must have heard about the case of a former New Age traveller who won the right to claim cash from her millionaire ex-husband - 20 years after they divorced?
Five Supreme Court justices unanimously ruled her case should go before the family court at a date still to be decided.
It's a whole new age for Kathleen Wyatt and Dale Vince.
Kathleen Wyatt and Dale Vince, founder of wind-power firm Ecotricity, met as students in their early 20s and married in 1981. The pair had a son, Dane, and lived a New Age traveller lifestyle before their divorce.
While Mr Vince, who set up Ecotricity in 1995 after the pair had split, is said to be worth more than £100 million, Ms Wyatt has raised her son through "16 years of real hardship" and her claim was "legally recognisable" and not an "abuse of process".
Legal commentators chipped in by saying the judgment is “a timely reminder that divorcing couples who want protection from such claims, even if they have no money at all, should obtain an order from the court at the time of the divorce, in which they both agree that there will be no further financial claims”.
That is the only way to guarantee that, if one of them goes on to make a fortune, they get to keep it.
But as New Age travellers, who refused to accept society's normal ideas and ways of living, they probably didn’t feel the need to tie things up financially. They probably didn’t own much more than the vehicle they lived in.
And I can’t imagine either of these free spirits ever envisaged one of them would have a multi-millionaire lifestyle in the future.
This all goes to prove that no-one knows what’s round the corner.

Monday 23 March 2015

Perhaps it’s time to let Madeleine go

Madeleine McCann disappeared on the evening of May 3, 2007, nine days before her fourth birthday, from her bed in a holiday apartment in Praia da Luz in the Algarve, sparking what has been called "the most heavily reported missing-person case in modern history".
I was Publishing Director of the Algarve Resident, a weekly English-language newspaper at the time and by mid-morning on Friday, May 4, 2007 I had briefed our editorial team about how we were going to cover the case. It wasn’t difficult – just stick to the facts and let others speculate.
Relatives based in the UK appeared on breakfast television that Friday morning to publicise the girl’s disappearance and it was evident over the following weekend that international media interest would be immense.
The next few years saw unprecedented coverage of the case.
Arguidos came and went, including Madeleine’s parents Gerry and Kate. Some sued British newspapers who got fact and fiction confused.
Mystics from around the world said they knew where Madeleine’s body was.
And some of the worst bile I have ever seen appeared on forums, making the most outrageous accusations against all sorts of people.
Although the much-criticised Portuguese police investigation come to nothing, Gerry and Kate refused to give up, and their unshakable belief that, as there was no body, Madeleine was probably still alive kept the story in the news.
They even got the Government involved, with the Metropolitan Police tasked with investigating the disappearance after her family made a personal plea to David Cameron in 2011.
A team of more than 30 British detectives are still working exclusively to find Madeleine. But despite costing the British taxpayer a reported £10million and dozens of trips by officers to the Algarve, the inquiry – codenamed Operation Grange – has not led to a single arrest. So now Police chiefs have been urged to wind up the hunt for Madeleine as detectives battle the terror threat and a spate of murders.
Although I have a great deal of sympathy with Gerry and Kate McCann, and feel they have often been misrepresented and vilified unnecessarily, perhaps it is time to wind the investigation down.
And leave the file open, in case some new information does come to light.
There’s always hope.

Friday 20 March 2015

An eclipse of nature and business

I have been plunged into darkness (well, almost) by an eclipse double today.
We all survived eclipse number one. Birds are still singing, people are still going about their everyday business and, most importantly, the local bin men have still taken away our rubbish this morning.
Almost a total eclipse from the Faroes...
We haven’t crashed and burned, nor has the world ended, as our ancestors thought. He’s not very scientific, my dad.
Heavy cloud cover in not-so-sunny East Anglia prevented a first-hand glimpse of this amazing phenomenon but at least I could watch an almost total eclipse in the Faroe Islands – courtesy of the BBC - without the travel costs. It was not the most riveting 30 minutes of TV I’ve seen but some of the technical explanations made it watchable.
Now I can get back to reading my former employer’s 2014 annual report, which has just arrived in the post.
Archant (a publishing company, although you wouldn’t know it from the name) hasn’t had a great recent history, with plunging revenues, a possible HMRC fine over a long-running dispute, changes in top management and, crucial for us pensioners, no dividend for the last few years.
There may have been lots of doom and gloom about for a number of years but at least the annual report was cheerful, entertaining and worth reading.
........and SFA from Suffolk.
The new-look offering is totally underwhelming – it contains no life, no joy and no human faces. Just bare facts and figures.
The new chairman says it is now presented in a format “more in line with a private limited company”.
By that I guess he means when you have (continual) bad financial news to divulge, shareholders don’t want to read about the company’s success stories – those award-winning journalists, that excellence in printing, the top-rate websites etc. etc. with loads of photos of normal people doing normal jobs.
But I have a feeling the change in format might be down to something else.
In past annual reports, the salary and benefits of every member of the board, including the chairman and the Chief Executive, were recorded. That information has been edited out as well.
The new team in charge obviously don’t want shareholders to know who is earning what.
Looks like the company has an eclipse of its own.

Thursday 19 March 2015

Whatever you do, don't panic

Earlier this month I recalled my first computer, the mighty Amstrad 1512, and how I never envisaged being in a position now to help other elderly people (yep, I did say other) get to grips with current technology.
As my reader may be over 21, I thought I’d share by top ten tips for Silver Surfers
1. Be patient – everyone has difficulties and frustrations when learning new skills.
2. Ask for help.
3. Make your life easier - technology is about enhancing your life. Ask for advice on how the computer can help you make your life richer or more interesting.
4. Learn at your own pace - don’t compare yourself with your neighbour. Everyone comes to computers with differing backgrounds and experiences and everyone has a different learning style.
5. Set realistic goals – if you’re not sure what these are, discuss with a computer mentor or a friend. It is better to find one useful website, or send one short email, than end up with a head full of instructions and no outcome.
6. Practice makes perfect - don’t be shy or embarrassed about repeating things you’re learning time and time again until you feel you’ve got it. "Perseverance makes experts of us all"
7. Don’t stare at the computer screen for too long - remember to take regular breaks to give your eyes a rest.
8. Have fun with it - once you get the gist of it you will be able to use if for all sorts of things you are interested in including accessing useful information, developing interests and hobbies and playing games (crosswords, cards, bridge, chess and solitaire). You can also use a computer to listen to music and radio or watch TV and films.
9. Speak to others - ask those who have learnt how to use a computer how it worked for them when they first used it.
10. Don’t panic! - don’t be scared of making mistakes, you won’t break it. It will all make sense in the end!

Thursday 12 March 2015

I think I've done it wrong again, dad
I have to lay my cards on the table straight away – I like Jeremy Clarkson. He may be un-pc, he may be boorish, he may be slightly egotistical and he may even be ever so slightly mad but he’s an independent, free-thinking human being.
If he’d have been born in certain parts of the Middle East rather than Doncaster he would by now have been thrown off a tall building by a black-clad and masked individual - so thank goodness fate decided on Yorkshire.
He upsets people, winds up ambassadors and embarrasses entire nations. If you want bland, boring and beige television personalities, don’t watch Jezza.
The problem is not the man so much as the programme. By that I mean people who think Top Gear at present is a car-selling show needs to get out more.
It’s an entertainment programme – simple as that. If it was just a car show, why would so many children LOVE Top Gear? I can’t see them avidly watching a ten-minute piece on the workings of the combustion engine and the smooth ride offered by a Kia Sportage.
Jezza - off to the Jobcentre and then Stamford Bridge.
I said in a posting last month (February 2 - Top stuff, that Top Gear) that getting paid barrow-loads of money to prat around with your best chums, visit exotic parts of the world, upset the locals and have a jolly good time is really quite inspiring.
The BBC’s mistake is in providing that outlet through Top Gear for Jezza, who is probably bigger than the show right now. Un-pc comment, I know, but one I feel is accurate.
However, in an effort to introduce a little bit of balance to my rantings, I acknowledge that there are many people out there who want to see Jezza knocked down a peg or two.
For instance, a friend hit Facebook a couple of days ago when the Fracasgate story first broke to comment: “What a total p***k! It's about time he was put out to pasture. Let's bring back some proper presenters like Tiff Needell, Quentin Wilson, Noel Edmonds and the gorgeous Vicki Butler Henderson. Them with Hammond and May means we might view a car show that is about cars, and not an ego.”
He is, of course, absolutely correct. Turn Top Gear into a proper car show with Needell, Wilson etc.
Then give Jezza a new outlet for his unusual talents. I remember the Clarkson chat show in the late 90s, early noughties. It was pure gold – funny, irreverent and offensive. Is it time to revive it?
And watch as the viewing figures, and more importantly the BBC Worldwide revenue stats, plummet while young and old switch over to watch the new Jezza and Friends Show.
I’ll leave you with a final thought – what do you think the chances are that’s Fracasgate is one big PR stunt?

Monday 9 March 2015

Let's hear it for all the silver surfers

Back in 1984, when I bought my first computer, it never crossed my mind that one day I would be showing other people how to make the most of technology.
That Amstrad 1512 was a monster of a machine – lumpy, chunky and very, very clunky – and it scared the wits out of me.
It wasn't a physical scariness, more a psychological one as I was continually worried that I’d break it.
The Amstrad 1512 - now known as a doorstop.
That’s when a colleague and neighbour in Dubai came to my rescue. Jock was a chemist by profession but also the first computer “expert” I’d come across.
He offered me some Amstrad counselling and I learnt an important lesson – don’t be afraid of a piece of hardware as you’re unlikely to break it. Unless, that is, you push it off the edge of the desk.
It’s something that has stayed with me ever since and I love getting my hands on a new desirable, be it a tablet, a smartphone or a smart TV. Because I’m not afraid.
It is also something that has helped me teach others how to make the most out of technology.
I started out volunteering at a Government-backed computer course for the elderly a couple of years ago – four hours one day a week for six weeks at a local village hall.
I discovered that I enjoyed this immensely and it led to me doing quite a few private sessions for older folk – people aged between their mid-60s and late 80s.
Nearly all of them have been given some shiny piece of kit by a well-meaning relative.
Well-meaning but not always terribly thought through because having plugged in whatever it is and shown mum/ dad/ aunt/ uncle/ grandma/ grandpa etc. the basics, they then cheerily wave goodbye, mumbling “SKYPE me” as they close the front door.
I’ve now shown Colin how to get the best out of his tablet; the two Annes how to do the basics on their laptops and Bob how to set up email on his smartphone.
And then there’s Alan – a physically challenged 89-year old but with a brain as sharp as a kitchen knife.
He’s now emailing family and friends, checking out people’s houses on Google Street View and shopping online at Sainsbury’s.
Let’s hear it for all the Silver Surfers out there.
PS – for the younger reader, my Amstrad 1512 cost £1,200 in 1984 – that’s about £4,000 in today’s money.

Thursday 5 March 2015

Are these people off their trolleys?

Why does being the mother (or father) of a young child make walking so difficult?
Before you scratch your head too much at my intellectual observation, let me explain.
As you, know, I don't get out much but when I do it's invariably to do the weekly shop. This has been one of life's great pleasures for me since I retired from my proper job in deepest East Anglia more than eight years ago.
Part of the retirement package, apart from a pension that barely pays for my cigarettes and brandy, was an agreement with SWMBO that I would shop and clean in between working from my home office for the Algarve publishing company I was a partner in.
What did we all do before phones had cameras?
So, rapping with the locals at various supermarkets in our nearest town has become a real delight. I feel comfortable in a place where my trainers (laces undone, of course), trackie bottoms, Gap top with holes in both elbows and unshaven chin make me the best-dressed and presented man in the place. Nothing can beat fitting in.
The shopping itself is generally stress-free but some of the people who use the mother-and-toddler parking spaces continually wind me up.
My question to them is - why, when you have a baby or toddler, can't you return your shopping trolley to the specially-constructed trolley parks?
How difficult is it to walk, what, 50 metres? Is it an automatic thing that you can have that baby but lose the use of your legs?
I know there are a load of dangerous, child-snatching people out there but I'm sure little Chardonnay or Princess will be safe in their child seat in your locked car for the ten seconds it takes to return the trolley.
That way us mere mortals who park well away from trouble won't come back to their cars and find a trolley rammed into the back of their car because the wind's got up.

Monday 2 March 2015

Selling football's soul to the highest bidder

The bleating by English football’s top bods about Qatar 2022 continues unabated.
First it was so unfair that our over-paid and under-achieving multi-millionaire footballers would have to play in pretty extreme temperatures.
It seems to have been a real shock to many people that it’s quite hot in the Middle East in the summer. I believe it can also get a bit chilly in the Arctic in November.
In response to bleating, Round 1, FIFA set up a taskforce which last week recommended a November/December tournament rather than the traditional June/ July.
And a few days later FIFA president Sepp Blatter said that the 2022 World Cup final should be played no later than 18 December. This all sounds rather sensible.
But not to the English game, it seems. Bring on bleating, Round 2.
English Football Association chairman Greg Dyke said he would do all he could to “protect the traditional Christmas period for club matches”.
And the Premier League’s Richard Scudamore said "we've got to make sure we keep the Christmas and New Year programme intact."
That’s the same Richard Scudamore who has been happy to prostitute the Premier League fixture list to fit in with broadcasters who have paid billions for the rights to show matches – you know who you are, SKY and BT Sport.
Games are now played on Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays and even some Wednesdays – and not all at 3pm, purely to fit in with the TV schedulers.
The same goes for FA Cup games, now back with the BBC. I’m old enough to remember all matches kicking-off at 3pm – no matter who the teams were. Now they are played over several days, again at several different times.
This moaning about protecting the sacred Christmas/ New Year Premier League fixtures is simply a red herring.
Firstly, any player representing their country will be back in Blighty no later than December 19 – or the end of November if playing for England. That’s enough time to get over the jet lag.
And secondly, Premier League squads are large enough to withstand a few players being tired and emotional after yet another poor World Cup showing.
The only conclusion I can draw from all this is that selling your soul to broadcasters and allowing them to change the fixture list at will is OK but moving the biggest tournament in the world to a more sensible time is not.